Good intentions.....is it good enough?

Wow, it has been a week of great learning. Again I have become aware that we will never stop learning or growing in life. The question and most propably the biggest question in life is just that: "Are you truly willing to grow...even when it is not nice?"

Reality is that growing is never a great experience initially......but when your awareness changes and you start to grow in a specific area of your character and life.....wow, it is awesome. It is truly life changing.

What moved me was to deeply realise that no matter how good my intentions are, even if my heart is at a good place concerning my intention, that it does not mean it is the right thing to do.

My intentions has no control over the experience the other person is going to have.....and absolutely no control over the consequences of my actions or words.

Completely unconsciously we will find ourselves trying to justify our actions by means of our good intentions. We will try to convince the other person that we meant well. That they should see it for what we meant it! The more you try to justify and convince, the more you loose 'face' and integrity in the other persons eyes.

We truly need to do what we can to get control of our emotions that drives these 'good intention' behavior. I have experienced that it is mostly driven by a sense of desperation and fear. It even might be genuine concern.....yet still driven by fear.

It is your word at the end of the day that should be the final decider. Always keep your word, no matter how tough it gets, keep your word. It is the one thing that no one can take from you.....only you can give it away.

Importance of being honest

More and more I come to realise how the word "honesty" and being an honest person is nothing more than convenience to most people.

Most people are being honest only when it suits them. They are honest only when asked the question, but will not out of their own share the absolute truth even when they know it is affecting someone else they care about.

It might be that they do not wish to hurt someone......
Maybe they wish to avoid closing a back door......
Or they don't want to admit being in the wrong in some area.....
Many times it is trying to save face as it were, that you will keep thinking good of them.

Reality, as we know it, is that the truth ALWAYS comes out sooner or later. Not having shared the absolute truth from the start, all you have achieved is making the consequences greater than what it would have been!!! It might cost the company more money. The accumulative cost or problem might be greater now. Instead of hurting one person, they trusted you and shared the story with others, and now more people get hurt and distrust you also.

The hurt or stress the other person(s) experience will be greater, not to mention the hurt or stress they experienced the days, weeks, month leading up to finding the truth. The back door you hoped to keep open will most probably be replaced by a brick wall for the future.....no chance to restore. News spreads fast and you will loose face with more people than you ever would have thought possible. 

How do you restore that kind of trust that got broken?

The hardest part is that you will have to live with it the rest of your life, those regrest that we all carry at some point, until you get to the place where you finally are able to accept forgiveness......and hope to receive forgiveness. Till that day, your lack of absolute truth will eat your heart in the moments you are with yourself. Those regrets will consume your thoughts. It might never go away and your life will bear the fruit.

There is nothing more destructive in your life than carrying guilt with you. I refer to it as being a silent killer. You can try to fool yourself that it doesn't matter, try to keep busy to ignore it, try to replace it with someone else or something else......but it will always return.

So have the courage and be absolutely honest, speaking the whole truth right now no matter what it might cost you. Today is your chance to change your life. The choice is yours..........and remember, you don't get to choose or control the consequences, but your choice is in your hands.

The impact of Importance

This week or maybe even month, I am going to focus on "importance".

How important is it to you?

How often do we actually take the time to ask this question in depth before we make our decisions in life? We are so quick to say that something is important, but when you stop to truly look at it, how important is it really to you?

When I talk about "it", I am referring to things and people.

How important is it really for you to spend time with someone?
How important is it really for you not getting to the place where you wish you did spend time with that person?

How important is it really for you to schedule that meeting right now?
How important is it really for you to make that phone call....or answer that phone right now?

What we need to realise is that importance should be the drive behind our actions and decisions. And it will and it does. If something isn't truly that important, you will delay or postpone it.....do something else instead. We are in control of our actions and decisions, BUT you are not in control of the consequences!!!

And the consequences is what you are going to have to live with....and you don't get to decide if they will be good or bad! And you are going to have to carry that cost......

So how important is it to you.......to just start thinking about the importance before you act or make a decision. How important is it?

Look at the situations you are facing in your life right now.......and ask this question......how important is it?

Time & Choices

I am reminded today, again, of the importance our choices has. The consequences of our choices does not just affect us, but so many people around us and especially those closest to us.

We have this saying that time will heal all things. I have come to learn that this is just a easy escape, avoid having to deal with what you are facing or have created. Time, is not your friend. Have you ever noticed how time does not and have never taken you into consideration! It doesn't care, it just keeps on ticking. All it does in any situation is run out!

I so often hear from my clients, especially in the corporate world at executive level, that there is just not enough time for them to get everything done. It is work....and more work, and family and social life (well what is left of it).

They end up being tired, drained, unhappy and unfullfilled. They are chasing after something they don't even know anymore. Well, they thougth they did when they started climbing the ladder, thinking that when they get to the next step they will be happy. It did not happen. Then maybe the next step....and still it did not happen.

Behind them lies broken and hurt relationships. Each step they climb they leave a few more scars behind and or reinforce the ones they created on the previous step. Yet they just carry on. Until they get a wake-up call. Someone close dies, their child gets into drugs, their marriage is threatened by a divorce, or they face losing their job.

Then you end up facing what you have done with your time, your choices and what is/was truly important in your life. The sad reality is that becoming aware of it does not change the consequences, they don't disappear and they don't become lighter.

So what is important to you? What is truly so deeply important to you? Let those things take priority in your choices and what you do with your time.

The choice is yours. Are you going to take the next 30 minutes to think about it....or are you going to choose to take that time to climb the ladder?

What does your life look like?
What does your marriage look like?

tick tock, tick tock...........

Courage or Judgment

The last week especially I have been reminded over and over about our lack of true love, acceptance and the concept of relationship.

We hold so strongly onto what we believe is right and what is good and we do this with the best of intentions. We are so good at this that we fool ourselves into thinking that we come from a place of love when we want to change someone to fit into our idea of what is right and good.

In essence or when in fact we are coming from a place of tremendous judgment!

Yet when we stand so firmly on what we believe to be right.....having to make the other person wrong so that you can be right....we think that we are being courageous in standing for what we believe. You end up being so proud of your courage and you are quick to surround yourself with similar thinking people to create a comfort zone for yourself.

Then months or years down the road you realise that you were just being right.....that it wasn't the only 'truth' out there and then regret hits home. Regret for all the relationships and lives you hurt in the process of being courageous.....where actually you were so deep in judgment!

My invitation to each and everyone out there is to stop before you say or act. Stop and look if it is even your place to say or act. Look where your words or actions are coming from.....is it motivated by love.....or just you being right? And are you in a place to throw the first stone?

Ogden Nash said that if you want love to keep brimming in a relationship, whenever you are wrong...admit it, and whenever you are right....shut up!

Choices & Consequences.....you choose!

The choices we make dictate the life we lead
-  Bill Rago, Ranaissance Man

“The Choices We Make In Life Echo In Eternity “

-          Maximus, Gladiator

I was reminded just this morning again of the impact our choices has on our life. Not just your life today, it might impact your life every day for the rest of your life. The rest of your life impact stems from one little word, ‘wonder’. Those ‘what if…’ and ‘if only I…..’ little voices that will sit on your shoulder the rest of your life.

Driven by our hurts and fears we are so quick to say no, never again. Not trying it or doing it again or giving someone another chance in whatever it might be in life. Yes, we need to apply wisdom to every situation. Yet when wisdom prevails and what you are left with is merely feelings that drive you to still say no……then you open the door for the ‘wonder’ to set in.

The thing about ‘wonder’ is that you will never get an answer with which you will be at peace. You might dampen it for a little while, only for it to return again….and again.

I had a client this morning who did not want to give his partner another chance at a relationship…..his hurt was to great he said. She died in a car accident last night. Now he is sitting with regret, the ‘if only I…’ and it is killing him! There I was, I had to help him. What do I say? For nearly three hours the only words I could muster was that ‘I do not know….’

Just like she had to live with the consequences of her decision to walk out…..now he needs to deal with the lasting consequence of not giving her another chance. Oh how in an instant your feelings can change…..from not wanting her to a willingness to give everything just to have that chance with her again.

Where does this leave us? I don’t know…..because you will still make your decision. Some of us do it by heart, other by reasoning………the consequence does not care which one you use!!!

All I know is that I do not have the answer……