Time & Choices

I am reminded today, again, of the importance our choices has. The consequences of our choices does not just affect us, but so many people around us and especially those closest to us.

We have this saying that time will heal all things. I have come to learn that this is just a easy escape, avoid having to deal with what you are facing or have created. Time, is not your friend. Have you ever noticed how time does not and have never taken you into consideration! It doesn't care, it just keeps on ticking. All it does in any situation is run out!

I so often hear from my clients, especially in the corporate world at executive level, that there is just not enough time for them to get everything done. It is work....and more work, and family and social life (well what is left of it).

They end up being tired, drained, unhappy and unfullfilled. They are chasing after something they don't even know anymore. Well, they thougth they did when they started climbing the ladder, thinking that when they get to the next step they will be happy. It did not happen. Then maybe the next step....and still it did not happen.

Behind them lies broken and hurt relationships. Each step they climb they leave a few more scars behind and or reinforce the ones they created on the previous step. Yet they just carry on. Until they get a wake-up call. Someone close dies, their child gets into drugs, their marriage is threatened by a divorce, or they face losing their job.

Then you end up facing what you have done with your time, your choices and what is/was truly important in your life. The sad reality is that becoming aware of it does not change the consequences, they don't disappear and they don't become lighter.

So what is important to you? What is truly so deeply important to you? Let those things take priority in your choices and what you do with your time.

The choice is yours. Are you going to take the next 30 minutes to think about it....or are you going to choose to take that time to climb the ladder?

What does your life look like?
What does your marriage look like?

tick tock, tick tock...........

Courage or Judgment

The last week especially I have been reminded over and over about our lack of true love, acceptance and the concept of relationship.

We hold so strongly onto what we believe is right and what is good and we do this with the best of intentions. We are so good at this that we fool ourselves into thinking that we come from a place of love when we want to change someone to fit into our idea of what is right and good.

In essence or when in fact we are coming from a place of tremendous judgment!

Yet when we stand so firmly on what we believe to be right.....having to make the other person wrong so that you can be right....we think that we are being courageous in standing for what we believe. You end up being so proud of your courage and you are quick to surround yourself with similar thinking people to create a comfort zone for yourself.

Then months or years down the road you realise that you were just being right.....that it wasn't the only 'truth' out there and then regret hits home. Regret for all the relationships and lives you hurt in the process of being courageous.....where actually you were so deep in judgment!

My invitation to each and everyone out there is to stop before you say or act. Stop and look if it is even your place to say or act. Look where your words or actions are coming from.....is it motivated by love.....or just you being right? And are you in a place to throw the first stone?

Ogden Nash said that if you want love to keep brimming in a relationship, whenever you are wrong...admit it, and whenever you are right....shut up!

Choices & Consequences.....you choose!

The choices we make dictate the life we lead
-  Bill Rago, Ranaissance Man

“The Choices We Make In Life Echo In Eternity “

-          Maximus, Gladiator

I was reminded just this morning again of the impact our choices has on our life. Not just your life today, it might impact your life every day for the rest of your life. The rest of your life impact stems from one little word, ‘wonder’. Those ‘what if…’ and ‘if only I…..’ little voices that will sit on your shoulder the rest of your life.

Driven by our hurts and fears we are so quick to say no, never again. Not trying it or doing it again or giving someone another chance in whatever it might be in life. Yes, we need to apply wisdom to every situation. Yet when wisdom prevails and what you are left with is merely feelings that drive you to still say no……then you open the door for the ‘wonder’ to set in.

The thing about ‘wonder’ is that you will never get an answer with which you will be at peace. You might dampen it for a little while, only for it to return again….and again.

I had a client this morning who did not want to give his partner another chance at a relationship…..his hurt was to great he said. She died in a car accident last night. Now he is sitting with regret, the ‘if only I…’ and it is killing him! There I was, I had to help him. What do I say? For nearly three hours the only words I could muster was that ‘I do not know….’

Just like she had to live with the consequences of her decision to walk out…..now he needs to deal with the lasting consequence of not giving her another chance. Oh how in an instant your feelings can change…..from not wanting her to a willingness to give everything just to have that chance with her again.

Where does this leave us? I don’t know…..because you will still make your decision. Some of us do it by heart, other by reasoning………the consequence does not care which one you use!!!

All I know is that I do not have the answer……  

The choice & the focus

 Our lives are created, determined and shaped by the choices that we make. Each and every singe choice that YOU make has a consequence. Whatever motivated your choice will not change the consequences.

Yes, we will put what motivated our choice on the table to make us look or feel better. Maybe to create some understanding with the party that got influenced by the choice. Hopefully it may lesson the consequences of your choice. Who knows, but there will be consequences and you need to take responsibility for them. If you don't it will just happen again.

Because our choices are highly motivated and driven by emotions attached to past experiences, it becomes very important to separate yourself from the past. Why? Because a past emotional experience shapes a new found truth within you. You will apply this truth to every similar situation even if it is not the truth in that specific situation. But you unconsciously go and look for things to support your truth.....and believe me you will and always do find things (mostly way out of context) to support YOUR truth.

So how do we prevent these past emotional truths that was formed from shaping our future?

I believe that we need to shift our focus. Start focusing on the present and the future. When we allow our focus to wonder in the past, those emotional truths will always be in control. It has been scientifically proven that in any situation we take in 6 units of emotion and just 1 unit of data. So the data, the reality, the real truth does not stand a chance if we allow our focus to be in the past.

So focus on the present and give the present a fair chance. It may just give you the greatest gift......helping you to let go of the past.

Success & Failure

There is something that have been on my heart the last few months. It is heavy on my heart as it is something which I have failed in in a certain area of my life.

In the process I hurt someone whom I cherish and love greatly. All hope is on saving the relationship, yet I am facing the consequences of my choices.....and might regret it for the rest of my life.

What I wish to share in short is the following:
Life is all about the choices we make and the relationships we have. Our choices are greatly emotionally charged in that initial moment as it get's influenced by past experiences and it blinds us to the reality and the truth. Yet the very choice has consequences the moment you take action on it. Regret and guilt waits at the next table for you when your eyes open to the truth and reality. And that table is not fine dining, it is dressed with food that turns your stomach, brings tears to your eyes, sleepless nights and desperation for restoration.

It is so important for us to take it slower, be open for growth and to let go of all the stuff that we tend to hold onto for protection, justification and a sense of false self worth. We all want to have success and happiness in life and our relationships. That is what drives us to make the decisions we do! Sadly most of these decisions are driven by fear from these past experiences.

It is important to realise that strong and healthy relationships is not the result of success. Success is the result of strong and healthy relationships having been built and kept in place.
Just as hurt and broken relationships is not the result of failure, but failure is the result of relationships that got hurt and broken.

Therefore, let your main and most important focus be on the relationships in life that matters most.....and not the stuff that have attached itself to your life through the years. When I talk about stuff, I refer to feelings, experiences, events and beliefs you have built up through your life......and they are just your own perspective on that specific situation.....it does not mean it applies to any other situation you find yourself in. 

Leadership

 "The problem with the world is that we have so many managers, but not enough leaders!" - Frans Stroebel

Today there is such a big focus on turning people into leaders. What is being presented is the 5 steps and the 7 steps of what you need to do in order to become a good leader.

Reality......you can apply the 5 steps and do all 7 steps, but unless you grow in your entire being to become a good leader those steps will make no difference.

The role of a leader is to Provide and Protect. Until your being grows into this role....you cannot be a good leader. So what does this role look like you may ask? To Provide and Protect includes two areas:

1) Trust
        a. Character
        b. Competence
2) Security
        a. Emotional (attitude) stability
        b. Financial responsibility

Just look at the areas where you step into a leader role: marriage, family, team leader, supervisor, manager, director, CEO, minister and president. This list is not complete!

What does your relationships look like within these areas? We are so quick to blame other people and other things when these are not good. Yet if you go and look at these with great honesty in line with Trust and Security.......where do you need to grow? What do you need to ask forgiveness for? What do you need to take responsibility for?

Again I will say, that at the heart of success lies relationship.

Trust.....what now?

A while ago I went to see the Head of Department in a very large organization. The purpose was to see if they have any need for my services - which is to increase performance by focusing on character, trust, etc. - and also at the same time to get advice on what needs there currently are in these large private corporates.

My experience of the meeting was good. There was no need for my services, but a commitment was made to forward a couple of contacts to me and let me know about a possible intervention where I can support them.

I never heard anything so I followed up. A commitment was made on when he was going to send me the information. Yet, that day came and went...along with the same excuse as previously. A new commitment was made and again, that day came and went.

My question is, how does one go about this.......especially when you learn from this experience that your services, especially where trust is concerned, are so needed there. How do you go about this without upsetting the potential client and 'pissing' him off?

If this is my experience, how many others in his department and company is having the same experience? And what are the consequences?

Where in my life am I making commitments and fail to honor them? What are the unconscious consequences of this in my life?